Thus Far

"Thus far the LORD has helped us.”

I Samuel 7:12

Fitting verse for a devotional intended to be read on December 31.  Right?

Thus far...

In two words, the past is remembered.  God's faithfulness to help is declared.  A continued journey is implied.  These words actually point forward as they reference what is behind.

We're all there, right?  It's New Year's Eve, so we kinda have to think about 2011 and what was great and what wasn't.  We kinda have to come up with some resolutions that we promise we'll keep this time.  We kinda have to get out the party hats and the big ole smiles and just know that 2012 is going to be better than 2011.  It's what we do. 

So if you're reading this, I'm assuming you either googled for something and are realizing right about now that you should press the back arrow and try the next link down on the list OR you want to know what I have to say on this the last day of 2011.  I won't even start to guess at your reasons for why you want to know what I have to say...but I'm sure there are plenty of different ones.

Not to be anti-climatic, but I've already said what I need to for this year.  In the many blog posts that I've poured out over the past 12 months...and in the two words that title this post.

Thus far...

2011 has been a year of "thus far" for me. 

I remember the past.  I remember the times that God sent encouragement to me at my darkest hour from some rather unlikely sources.  I remember the times that God displayed His healing power.  I remember the times that God has revealed His truth into my life and the lives of others.  I remember the times that He provided for our needs and blessed us with gifts beyond necessities.  I also remember the many times that I hesitantly admitted that it is in our crises that He has the greatest opportunity to be glorified.  In our darkest hours that His light shines the brightest.  In our most profound weakness that His strength is most evident.

I declare that God is faithful.  To provide.  To teach.  To comfort.  To guide, convict, forgive, love, restore and bless.  To protect, defend and honor.  He is faithful to take our ashes and turn them into a thing of beauty.  He is patient and gentle when He needs to be.  He is righteous and holy and bold when that is more appropriate...always faithful to choose the best option for each situation.  He is faithful to tend to His children, faithful to discipline them, faithful to make all things right and just in His time, in His way. 

And I understand fully that this is only the beginning.  The journey will continue.  There will be joys and hurts.  There will be times when my faith is stretched.  There will be times when my faith is as strong as it has ever been.  Throughout this implied journey continuation, He will be good on His Word. 

I'll be honest...sometimes I worry about the future.  I worry about things outside of my control.  Things that "shouldn't" happen but do.  Sometimes when I think about 2012, and I'm sure I'm the only one, I'm tempted to focus on the yucky.  The hurt.  The unknown and the potential for bad stuff to happen to good people.  Oddly enough, they don't make party hats with any of those sentiments.

But God says don't worry.  About anything.  A good friend of mine reminded me of this as I sobbed on the phone the other day.  I was hurting.  I was angry.  And they were natural reactions to what had taken place.  Reactions that needed to be entertained for awhile in order to fully process everything.  BUT, worrying is never something that should be entertained.

So there it is.  My New Year's Eve post.  I'm not going to give you a year in review, because that would take hours to read, let alone write...you'll just have to wait until the book is published.  I'm not going to let you in on any resolutions, because I don't really do those.  I have goals, sure.  And there are certain areas of my life that I'm working on, yes.  But things that magically become priorities when the clock strikes 12...those you will not find.  I'm not going to make predictions for the future, because I haven't a clue.  God has so uniquely designed my life and various chains of events at this point in time that I simply cannot even imagine what He is going to do next.  This past week alone has shown this to be true in rather overwhelming ways.

Whether I'm overly simplistic today, overly tired or overly ready to pack my kids up and go party hard (um, kidding...when you have four kids "party hard" means staying up until 10 and letting them drink caffeine since it's someone else's house that will bear the brunt of their hyperactivity), that's all I've got.  It's been quite a year.  A year that has shaped me into the person that I am today...the imperfect yet cherished princess that God has gone out of His way to care for.  God has helped me through the entire thing...right up to the last hours of drama that 2011 has tried to squeeze in.  And it will continue...all of it.  Especially God's faithfulness to help me.  And to help you.

Thus far...

See you next year!

This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”  Isaiah 43:16, 18-19

And That's a Wrap...

So, I was tempted to name this post "I'm in Love, I'm in Love and I Don't Care Who Knows It"" for several reasons.  A) I love ELF.  It's one of our favorite Christmas movies, and that just so happens to be one of my favorite lines. 
B) Because it's true. 

But I didn't name this post that for several reasons.  A) I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. 
B) It may be just a tad too strong a phrase to use in regards to pajama pants.  But I'm telling you, peeps, I am currently sporting the BEST ever pajama pants in the history of pajama pants.  Kudos to Old Navy for fabricating something so fleecy and cuddly and cutesy...with a "tall" option for those of us who need it...and in snow leopard print to top it all off.  Genius.  Doesn't get much better, folks.  Not at all.  I really do think I'm in love.

But alas, this post is not in existence for my pajama pants alone.  For there was much more to this day than my snow leopard print sleepwear.  Much, much more.

For starters, I was able to wrap up some various thoughts and feelings of mine over the course of a 2 hour phone call with one of my mentors from Chicago.  It was one of those calls that enables a broader perspective to take place of the narrow one.  A call that encouraged and blessed and just flat out helped me in so many ways.  It was a slightly early Christmas gift: gifts of time, affirmation, confirmation and a bit of laughter thrown in for good measure.  I am very blessed.

I wrapped up my baking for the week.  Despite the millions of cookies, cupcakes and batches of caramel corn marked off the list, there were more recipes calling my name.  The aroma of the popularly classic Chex Mix (with my own seasonings...just can't deal with that little spice packet deal-io) filled the kitchen this morning.  And this evening we were all drooling over a new aroma...Candy Cane Chocolate Cheesecake Bars with a coffee crust.  Talk about heaven.  Did I mention my new favorite pajama pants have a stretchy waist?  Pass the pan, please...

I am close to wrapping up the listening of necessary Christmas albums.  Today, we managed to get through some of our favorites.  Michael W. Smith, Amy Grant, Glee, Mannheim Steamroller, Harry Connick Jr, Casting Crowns, Third Day...yet it seems like I'm missing some.  We'll be sure to include them as we travel to and fro.

I wrapped up the wrapping, of course.  Though it does seem to me that it's a bit ridiculous to wrap gifts you know the kids will be unwrapping in a matter of a few hours.  But tradition is tradition, and so each stocking gift was wrapped regardless of the turn-around time for opening them.

And there are other things which indicated some sort of closure today...Christmas Eve traditions of new jammies for the kids and watching the Garfield Christmas special I watched when I was a kid.  The phrase "one more sleep 'til Christmas" permeating the bedtime routine.  "Silent Night" being sung to some very sleepy children with very droopy eyelids.  The day is almost over.  Tomorrow will be here soon.

Tomorrow.  Christmas.  Jesus' Birthday.  Much excitement.  Deeply rooted meaning.  The celebration of an event that changed the past, present and future in one fell swoop.  We do our best to commemorate that event.  Giving gifts.  Spending time with loved ones.  Special services and programs.  Extra acts of kindness and service.  A bit more concentration on what the life of Jesus means for all of us.  All good things.  Yet they are things that dare not be included in the "wrapping it up" of the season.  We cannot afford to forget these things on December 26th with the intent on just picking them back up when it's convenient sometime around Thanksgiving of the following year.

God's gift to us is ongoing.  Yes, He gave us His Son.  But just look at Jesus' name...look at all the things He gave us in that one gift...

Prince of Peace.
Wonderful Counselor.
Emmanuel, God With Us.
Light of the World
Bread of Life
Physician
King of Kinds
Messiah
Alpha and Omega
Bridegroom
Savior
Lord
Son of God and Son of Man
Good Shepherd
Redeemer
Man of Sorrows

and one of my personal favorites...

I AM.  As if God was saying, "Look...I've already said it all.  I've done it all.  I've tried my best to explain who this Son of mine, this Jesus, is.  So let me just wrap it up...let's just go with I AM."

I love it.

There is not one thing that we need that God is not.  He is everything.  Everyday.  My response to that reality should also be everyday.  Not just at Christmas and Easter.  Not just when things are going swell.  Not just when things seem they can't get any worse.  God is my everything, everyday.  And so I will do my best to serve Him with all I have to offer, everyday.

And that's what I remember as I wrap up today...as I wrap up my interaction with the ole blog for a bit so that I can visit family and play host to out of town guests and relax with my kiddos...as I wrap up the anticipation part of Christmas and move on to the day itself.  I remember that God doesn't just give  me everything I need, He actually is  everything I need.  Every single day.  I remember that His Son, Jesus, came to this earth so that I could experience a personal relationship with Him on a daily basis, not just an at arms length religion when I find it convenient.  I remember that no matter what the circumstances are in my life, Jesus is Emmanuel...God with us.  God in us.  God for us.  I pray that you, too, will remember those things as you go about your business and your busyness.  He's too important to be overlooked.   

And that's a wrap...

Merry Christmas.  I hope you have the most meaningful one yet...and try not to let your envy of my snow leopard pajama pants ruin it for you.  :)

When You're Just Not Sure if You Should Rest

It's a busy time of year.  My body grows weary.  The Tylenol, Vitamin C and Echinacea have taken a permanent and prominent place on the kitchen counter.  The tears flow with fewer warning signs and greater frequency.  Last night, my kids literally had to awaken me from my slumber on the couch to request that I tuck them in.  Twice.  This season is sprinkled with more emotions than I can keep track of without having a notebook close by.  I am weary.

There's that "zone" I tend to get in.  The to-do list zone...Santa cupcakes, caramel corn, cookies upon cookies upon cookies.  Gift wrapping.  Extra particular budget balancing.  Plus all the normal laundry and homework and cooking and cleaning.  This zone is task oriented.  Machine like.  It can  work to my advantage - when it doesn't take on an unhealthy life of it's own.

Then there's that other zone.  The zombie zone.  The one that won't allow me to slow down.  The one that won't allow me to rest.  There's nothing pressing to be accomplished, yet my mind and emotions and spirit continue to whirl with a myriad of things.  This zone is not task oriented.  There are clearly zero machine-like elements.  It is created out of habit and sustained by worry, pride, fear, insecurity and my perceived lack of "permission."  Because somehow sitting still isn't OK?  Resting my body and mind and emotions and spirit is somehow not being a good steward of my time?  It is this zone that is often accompanied by a mentality of "I cannot afford to miss an opportunity to grow or learn or accomplish."  But this zone never works to my advantage.  In fact, it does quite the opposite.

Tis the season, you say?  Well, yes.  I suppose.  But this is not something unique to the month of December.  It is not applicable solely to the hustle and bustle.  It's life.  If you're on any kind of a journey with purpose, it's just reality.  Plain and simple.  I think there is a reason my devotions had the following entry slated for December 23, yet I am acutely aware that I need this reminder more often than not.

The journey is too much for you.  I Kings 19:7

What did God do with Elijah, His tired servant?  He allowed him to sleep and then gave him something good to eat.  Elijah had done tremendous work and in his excitement had run "ahead of Ahab all the way to Jezreel" (I Kings 18:46).  But the run had been too much for him and had sapped his physical strength, ultimately causing him to become depressed.  Just as others in this condition need sleep and want their ailments treated, Elijah's physical requirement needed to be met.  There are many wonderful people who end up where Elijah did - "under a juniper tree" (I Kings 19:4)!  When this happens, the words of the Master are very soothing: "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you."  In other other words, "I am going to refresh you."  Therefore may we never confuse physical weariness with spiritual weakness.  (Taken from Streams in the Desert)

I do this.  I equate physical weariness with spiritual weakness.  I'm afraid if I let on to people that I'm tired that somehow they will think I'm not as close to God as I ought to be.  They may think that I'm hiding something when I say that I'm doing OK or putting on a show when I appear to be thriving.  And I may even question myself...especially when the strength sapping starts to morph into discouragement.  But this does not mean that I'm totally messed up.  It means that I'm human.  It means that I am being reminded that my physical, emotional and spiritual layers are inseparable. It means that I need to be taken care of.  And if God can recognize these truths in Elijah and tend to his needs without judgement, pretty sure He can do the same for me. 

Perhaps the Christmas season is leading you to the juniper tree of exhaustion.  We can all relate to that, yes?  Perhaps your entire year (or longer) has contributed to the journey.  Or maybe you just got done with your own version of running to Jezreel.  There is no shame in admitting that you need rest.  In fact, I think a simply put "I am tired" confession can often be the most spiritually significant thing you can do.

There's a difference between asking yourself if you can  rest and asking yourself if you should  rest.  Your to-do list, schedule and responsibilities will help to answer the first question.  This little story about Elijah may help answer the second question.

To you parents that are helping your children walk through some rough stuff...keep up the good work.  But don't forget to teach them, by example, how to rest.

To those of you planted firmly in the front-lines of ministry...God will sustain you.  But take time to rest.

To those of you walking through significant medical traumas in your own life or the lives of those you love...God sees your tears. And He will give you rest.

To those of you coming out of a year in which you daily wondered if you could hold your head above water...God is faithful.  And He wants you to rest.

God will refresh you.

God will refresh me.

So if you're just not sure if you should rest...consider the fact that your uncertainty may be all the reason you need to lean against that tree and allow God to give you something good to eat.

I’m too tired to trust and too tired to pray,
Said one, as the over-taxed strength gave way.
The one conscious thought by my mind possessed,
Is, oh, could I just drop it all and rest.

Will God forgive me, do you suppose,
If I go right to sleep as a baby goes,
Without an asking if I may,
Without every trying to trust and pray?

Will God forgive you? why think, dear heart,
When language to you was an unknown art,
Did a mother deny you needed rest,
Or refuse to pillow your head on her breast?

Did she let you want when you could not ask?
Did she set her child an unequal task?
Or did she cradle you in her arms,
And then guard your slumber against alarms?

Ah, how quick was her mother love to see,
The unconscious yearnings of infancy.
When you’ve grown too tired to trust and pray,
When over-wrought nature has quite given way:

Then just drop it all, and give up to rest,
As you used to do on a mother’s breast,
He knows all about it—the dear Lord knows,
So just go to sleep as a baby goes;

Without even asking if you may,
God knows when His child is too tired to pray.
He judges not solely by uttered prayer,
He knows when the yearnings of love are there.

He knows you do pray, He knows you do trust,
And He knows, too, the limits of poor, weak dust.
Oh, the wonderful sympathy of Christ,
For His chosen ones in that midnight tryst,

When He bade them sleep and take their rest,
While on Him the guilt of the whole world pressed—
You’ve given your life up to Him to keep,
Then don’t be afraid to go right to sleep.
By Ella Conrad Cowherd

Skip the Sugar-Coating

"Are we going to do that blood thing again?"

OK, wait.  Sorry.  Let me set the stage here a little.  The one asking me this question is Brooklyn.  Brooklyn has one volume level: loud.  We're in the church foyer...walking into the sanctuary.  Not a terribly quiet moment, but quiet enough.  And, by the way, she has zero tact.   It is what it is.  No sugar-coating for her.   She skips that step every time.    

"Mom!  Are we going to do that blood thing again?"

It sounded so stinking gross.

Apparently the look on my face was worth more than my words ever could have been.  She knew that I had no idea what she was talking about and offered some more information.

"You know...the blood and cross thing."

"Ah.  Communion?"

"Yes, that's it."

"No, not today.  And by the way, Brooky, it's actually grape juice."

"I know.  But it's about blood.  It's the blood and cross thing."

The word "communion" sounds much more delicate.  Refined.  Sophisticated.  Neat and tidy and church-ish. 

"The blood thing" sounds repulsive.  Like it belongs in a horror flick.  Nasty and messy. 

But isn't that part of it?  For us to be reminded of the brutal, horrific, repulsive death that Jesus died?  All because He loved us.  And He loved us a LOT.  Shouldn't we be OK with being reminded of that?  Often, if we're honest, I don't think we are.  Because it reminds us of how brutal, horrific and repulsive our sin is.  The sin that put Him there.  The sin that brought Him to the earth as a Babe to begin with. 

Brooklyn doesn't sugar-coat stuff.  But I'm pretty sure most of us would like to.

I know that the story of Christmas is a lovely story.  It's beautiful and poetic and wonderful.  It is peaceful.  Visual images that make us feel warm and safe inside.  And it most certainly involves a lot of very wonderful gifts that God has offered us - joy, hope, peace, provision, life eternal.  In a world and a time where despair, doubt, pain and confusion abound, we need to focus on those things.  But we are totally missing it if that's all we look at. 

I'm not suggesting you replace the reading of the Christmas story with a graphic telling of what childbirth is really like or show the crucifixion scene from the Passion of the Christ to your 2 year old.  Heavens no.  But if we really want to glean all we can from the Christmas story, we must first be authentic and raw and brutally honest about our desperation.  How we can we expect anyone to believe us when we say Christmas is about our need to be saved if we aren't real about what it is we need saved from?  It may be messy and repulsive and as jarring as a random statement about blood in the church foyer.  But it is what it is.  It's not about sugar coating ourselves to make everyone believe that we have it all together...and if they come to church than they, too, can take a dip in the falsifying sugar.  No.  It's about being real.  Vulnerable.  Authentic.  Because it is in our imperfections and screw ups and weaknesses and gut-wrenching need that others will find hope.  The hope is not actually found in the mess itself, but in the One who sent a Baby to clean it up that mess.  Yet if we never admit there is a mess to be cleaned, then where is the significance?

God didn't say goodbye to His Son just for us to downplay the significance because it's too embarrassing to admit that we aren't perfect.  Jesus did not agree to be born as a lowly Baby and live a very misunderstood and hard life, ending in torture and death, for us to rationalize away the need to be honest about who we really are and the ugliness we are not only capable of, but guilty of.  All of those gifts that He offers us through the miracle of the swaddled Savior can only be grasped if we first let go of the other junk we are wrapped too tightly in ourselves.

As we are reminded of Jesus' birth, let us also be reminded of His life.  Of His sacrifice.  Let's skip the sugar-coating, hiding, masking, disguising and denying our need for Him.  Because the way I see it, that need was the true beginning of this season.  And I'm thankful for the wonderfully loud and poetically blunt 6 year old beauty of mine that issued such a fabulous Christmas reminder.

11 Things to Justify this Post

1.  Regardless of what you know or think or think you know about me:  in addition to coffee, chocolate, high heels, broadway musicals, sushi and scarves, I also happen to enjoy watching sports, playing video games, Salt and Vinegar chips and Star Wars.   

2.  My brother told me about it.  And he doesn't usually mention things that aren't worth people's time.

3.  I like the real version of this song.

4.  If Mark Lowry, who recorded the real version of this song which I mentioned liking in #3, had thought of it first...he so would have beat this guy to the punch.

5.  I've been a bit touch and go with my blogging lately.  Not because of anything dramatic, just because life is busy.  Busy life = lazy blogging from time to time.  Can't get much lazier than this...

6.  It's December.  And you can't really post something like this in August.

7.  It's really, really funny. And there are quite a few spectacular lines that literally make me burst into laughter.

8.  I want my son to realize how cool I am.  Posting stuff about Star Wars tends to help me out in that area.

9.  I like the Christmas lights.  Subtle.  Festive.  Overall a nice touch.

10.  It's better than the other Star Wars Christmas video I was contemplating posting.

11.  Did I mention it's funny?  Because it is.  And who couldn't use a big ole laugh right about now? 

Christmas: Towards or Away?

It went in one ear and out the other.  I knew the statement was true.  I knew I needed to hear it.  I knew it would continue to bounce around in my brain.  But at the time, I was so emotionally and physically depleted that I simply could not grasp those words the way I needed to.  In fact, the more I think about it, I'm pretty sure that maybe I didn't actually believe them at the time.

"God has equipped you, because you are here."

It had been a rough night.  A long one.  And when it seemed to be over, it was punctuated not with an exclamation point of excitement.  Not a comma of calm.  Not even the ever so popular "dot dot dot" indicating a sense of wonder about what was going to happen next.  It was punctuated by a question mark.  And me, curled up in as close to fetal position as I could get.  Crying like it was my job.

"But Becky, God has equipped you, because you are here."

I often forget that my son has been diagnosed with a mood disorder.  Seems weird, but he has made such positive strides over the past year and a half, that I honestly forget sometimes.  And there were some other things behind his struggles besides the mood disorder.  Sure, I could dismantle the situation and spell out all the contributing factors, but there's really no need.  Bottom line: God has changed some of those factors...and a miracle has taken a very obvious place in the forefront of it all.  My son is doing well.  Mostly.  But we do have nights from time to time that cause me to remember the meltdowns that used to be every night.  And it's brutal.  Add in the other "life" stuff that is typical for all mommies, the dynamic of being a single mommy and a few things unique to yours truly and I was pretty much done.

"God has equipped you."

Mary was an ordinary lady.  Just minding her own business when God flipped her entire reality upside-down and then some.  A baby.  Conceived miraculously.  Unmarried.  "And, oh yeah, remember that Messiah I've been promising you?  Um, about that..."  I admire Mary.  I respect her.  I am inspired by her.  But I know she was all human.  So I know she struggled.  The feelings of inadequacy.  Physical exhaustion.  Emotional depletion.  Ignoring rumors.  Having to choose between believing the unnatural truths or settling into the more natural doubts...between walking towards Him or away from Him.

Fear.  Unknowns.  Overwhelming circumstances.  A lot of pressure to do the "right" thing from all sides.  Walking towards God, knowing the work He had done in her, yet aware that many did not understand.  And though I can't recall any scripture verses that would back me up in this, I have a hunch those feelings didn't magically disappear when the wise men showed up with some gifts for her Child.  And I also have a hunch that the human voice of reason inspired by the ultimate Voice of Truth spoke into her world just as it has mine.

"God has equipped you, because you are here."

It's calming.  To know that the mere fact you find yourself where you are is the overwhelming proof that you are equipped to handle it.  Not on your own strength or with your own resources or because of your own abilities.  No.  He puts you where you are knowing that you must  rely on Him to equip you.  That's how He works.  No matter what we give Him to work with, He can cause it to morph into something that honors Him and puts us where we need to be. 

(Just in case you're thinking what I'm thinking...I realize that our sinful choices as well as others' choices can certainly throw a wrench into His works.  They can put us in places where He never really wanted us to be, well over our heads.  But when we live a life that is surrendered to Him, no matter what the past looks like and no matter what other peoples' choices look like, He will equip us to move forward with blessing and the confidence that He is in control.)

I've heard people say that the phrase "God never gives you more than you can handle" isn't actually true.  That God does give us more than we can handle...if we try to handle it on our own.  Rather, He gives us what we can handle as long as we are plugged into His source of power.  However you choose to look at it...God hasn't left you stranded.

You may have to ride on a donkey to get from point A to point B.  You may not be welcomed in a setting any more glorious than a barn.  People may misunderstand.  And you may find yourself competing with me for the job opening of "crying like a baby...and a ticked off baby, at that."  But God will give you a Joseph to make the journey with you...or many of them.  God will send shepherds to reassure you that God's voice is active, accurate and confirmed.  God will send you gifts, using some of the most unlikely people to deliver them.  But most importantly, God Himself is right next to you.  Watching you.  Helping you.  Offering a never ending supply of peace, provision, direction and hope.

But you must choose Him.

I must choose Him. 

We MUST choose Him.

I must choose to believe that He has equipped me to survive and thrive exactly where He has led me to settle.  Doing exactly what He has instructed me to do.  As the song that the Bethel College choir sang many times in my days there and in days since says..."He never failed me yet."  Even though I have failed Him plenty, His record is impeccable.

I'm not Mary.  I'm Becky.  Our circumstances are drastically different.  Our journeys unique.  And I would never claim to be as strong or beautiful or spirit-filled as she was.  Also, in case you weren't aware, she was chosen to give birth to the Messiah and I was not.  But our status of human being is the same.  As is our Lord.  So I can look at her journey and her challenges and know that it's not a stretch to realize just how much assurance her story can give me on a personal level.

In between all the family time and special programs and excitement and "stuff" that accompanies this season, I've been reminded of God's presence.  Of His faithfulness.  Promises.  Healing and hope.  That I am where I am.  As are you.  Honestly, those reminders can be difficult.  Sometimes they are birthed out of hurt.  Loneliness.  Questions.  Fear.  Or even meltdowns.  But in my mind, the ends really do justify the means.  What I have learned and experienced are worth it all. 

He will equip each of us to handle wherever that place may be.  As long as that place involves Him holding the prominent place in our hearts and minds, He is free to work for our best and provide exactly what we need for each step of the way.  He will give those people, confirmations and gifts...at the perfect time and in the perfect way. 

We can walk away from Christmas 2011 with so much more than credit card bills, expanded waistlines and a few extra gray hairs.  And we can also walk away with more than hearts filled by those we love, memories made with those we cherish, joy from watching children on Christmas morning and carols sung...whether around the piano, in our churches or on someone's front porch.  We can walk away with poignant and life changing reminders of who God is.  Who He REALLY is.  What He gives.  What He desires.  Hopefully, it won't be in the walking away that we realize all of this in a new and fresh way.  Hopefully, it will be in the walking towards Christmas that we bask in the fullness of these things. 

It's possible that I would have been walking away from Christmas with these thoughts rather than towards if my son hadn't had his meltdown the other night.  Or it's possible that God would have implemented a different type of reminder.  I don't know.  What I do know is that He is who He is.  I am where I am.  And I'm going to continue to walk towards Him...towards an intentional December 25th...towards His plans for me.  It's just better that way.

Luke 1:26-33 (MSG)

In the sixth month of Elizabeth's pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to the Galilean village of Nazareth to a virgin engaged to be married to a man descended from David. His name was Joseph, and the virgin's name, Mary. Upon entering, Gabriel greeted her:

Good morning!
You're beautiful with God's beauty,
Beautiful inside and out!
God be with you.

 She was thoroughly shaken, wondering what was behind a greeting like that. But the angel assured her, "Mary, you have nothing to fear. God has a surprise for you: You will become pregnant and give birth to a son and call his name Jesus.

He will be great,
be called 'Son of the Highest.'
The Lord God will give him
the throne of his father David;
He will rule Jacob's house forever—
no end, ever, to his kingdom."

Chewed up Corn or Warm Brownies?

I was standing at the counter, dishing up dessert for the kiddos.  Warm brownies, which are fairly common around here, with peppermint stick ice cream on top, which is not so common.  The kids had been looking forward to it since the moment I had started mixing the brownie batter some 30 minutes previously.  They knew it was coming.  They were excited.

The counter I happened to be utilizing for the dessert dishing is close in proximity to the trash can.  I had actually taken the trash can out of it's cupboard disguised home...so it was sitting on the floor directly next to me.  The kids had scraped the remnants of their meal into the trash.  Corn.  Noodles.  The few fatty parts of the roast.  Delicious, right?

I looked up to ask my 7 year old if she would prefer her ice cream directly on top of her brownie or slightly off to the side.  My eyes raised just in time to catch her eating corn.  Out of the trash can.  Corn that had at the very least flirted a little with the chewed up and spit out pieces of fatty beef.

"Cam...seriously?  I'm dishing up dessert and you're eating out of the trash can?"

She just looked at me, spit out the corn, waited patiently for the ice cream to be perfectly perched upon the brownie and took her place at the table to enjoy her very special treat.  Not another thought.

Me?  Well...it was gross.  For sure.  And I shook my head plenty of times as I put the trash can away.  But then, I was reminded me of the times that I've chosen the trash can corn over the dessert of choice in my life.  When I've looked up at God with my big blue eyes and a "what?" look on my face, caught taking something that clearly pales in comparison to what He has in store for me.  And if I were to be completely honest, I'm pretty sure that I've actually expected God to settle for the chewed up and spit out parts of my life rather than the very best...the part of me He deserves...the warm brownie with peppermint ice cream.

Am I stretching it a little?  Or maybe it's too obvious of a correlation to make this post anything special.  Not sure.  But either way, I was reminded. 

I was reminded that God wants nothing but the best for me. 

I was reminded that God deserves nothing but the best from me.

And I was reminded that I should always put the trash can away immediately after the kids clear their plates.  Because even though it reminded me of some good things, it was still really gross.

P.S.  Not surprisingly, this whole thing also started a conversation about how some kids have no other option but to eat out of the trash can...but I'll leave that for another post.  :)

All I Want for Christmas

Saturday's post was a rather heartfelt one pertaining to Christmas, and Christmas gifts and some very powerful things God continues to show me and then use to grow me.  

This post, however, is not.  So consider yourself warned.  And if this is the first time you've visited my blog, don't let it scare you away.

Additionally, do not think that I'm trying to subliminally suggest to all of you to go out and buy me these gifts, no matter what the post title indicates.  But I simply could not let this one go.  (A special "woohoo" to LT for embracing my passion for dill pickles and dill pickle flavored potato chips and passing these links along to me...)

I must say, I'm afraid these items could very well put my commitment to artificial dill flavoring to the test.  I'm just not sure I could actually indulge in these items, regardless of my passion for all things dill.  Yet secretly, I kinda want to put them on my Christmas list...that doesn't exist...that I don't actually give to anyone.  But if such a list did exist...and I gave it to somebody, these would be on it...

This first one actually sounds good to me...

But, I happen to like sunflower seeds.  So that's not all that unbelievable.  This, I'm just not sure about...

As for this one...

...why would you want to freshen your breath with something that smells just as horrific as the offensive odor you're trying to cover up?  If you really want to eliminate your halitosis, try this...

Oh wait.  Nevermind.  Same problem. 

Shiver.

Let's just be grateful that the chap stick mentioned in Saturday's post wasn't this kind and call it a day...

I've conveniently discovered this company has an entire bacon line, expanded to include bacon flavored floss and bacon scented hand soap. Yummy. 

You can also find nacho cheese mints and a gumball combo pack with hot dog, beer and peanut flavors represented for those of you that are truly spectacular in your desire to gross others out.

But what really makes me laugh are the comments left on the website about how these things actually taste good.  Seriously?!  One person mentioned that the mints would be a great addition to a diet plan including hamburger seltzer and french fry flavored rice cakes.  While I may not always be as humorous as I think I am, that dude is funny.  And I would TOTALLY buy french fry flavored rice cakes, by the way.

I think I'm going to frighten my children and let them know that the traditional items of chap stick, toothpaste, mints and gum which they usually find in their stocking will be replaced with these items.  As one reviewer said, it just could be "worth it for the creepy factor alone..."

Now if there was a dill pickle flavored Jelly Belly, well, that would be a whole different story...but alas, I'll just have to stick with my popcorn flavored ones until they stop wasting their time on the flavors such as skunk spray, black pepper and rotten egg. 

Gross.

The End.

I Know of...

I know of a mom.  One that is just barely making it.  One whose faith is being stretched in the provision of needs, and without much extra.  Which kinda stinks at Christmas.  So she decided to do without a few of the "normal" things that usually go into the stockings.  Like chapstick.  Silly, little, insignificant chapstick.  But it wasn't without a fight.  And God dealt with her on this issue...this issue of not buying chapstick and the many things that were behind it.  She obeyed.  And within days, discovered that somebody in the most coincidental and random fashion that God could possibly orchestrate, bought all of her kids chapstick. 

I know of two friends.  Two friends that could very well be a cover story entitled "Unlikely Friends."  One friend asked the other friend about having a girls night out.  There were many options of days to choose from.  Go figure that the day that ended up working for both of these busy friends was the perfect day...not just for one reason, but several reasons.  Some reasons they were able to easily pinpoint...but they seemed to have a sense that some of the reasons are TBD.  Nonetheless, there is only One who could have possibly known which day was the necessary day.

I know of a little girl.  A little girl who was just recently asked what her number one Christmas gift wish would be.  The little girl thought about it, and then in a very matter-of-fact manner with over the top specificity declared what she wanted.  Her answer, down to the very color, was the exact match for something that her parents had acquired months ago, putting it away for Christmas.  They didn't know what she would ask for.  She didn't know what they already had planned.  But God had lined it all up beautifully.

I know of a little boy.  A little boy with some sensory issues, making certain fabrics intolerable for him to wear.  His mom, at the request of some kind-hearted anonymous gift givers, put together a list of things he could use for Christmas.  She forget to mention the specific fabric that was required on the clothing she suggested, however.  I'm guessing by now you can probably figure out what happened.  The mom opened the box to look at the clothing before wrapping it for her son.  She wept.  The fabric was perfect.  And bonus...the outfit is designed in his favorite color combo.

And I know of a plethora of other people and situations.  But I think you get the point.

Some of these stories are mine and some are not.  But it really doesn't matter which is which, now, does it?

No.  Because it's not about the mom or the friends or the little girl or the little boy or any of the characters that make up the cast of the "others..."

It's about Jesus.

"Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?"  Matthew 6:26.

When I read that, I can't help but contemplate my own take on it...look at the mom and the friends and the little girl and the little boy ...they keep on keeping on, through the uncertainty and the silence and the what ifs, yet your heavenly Father gives them chapstick and calendar coordination and their number one Christmas gift list and the right kind of pants...WE ARE VALUABLE TO HIM.

That's Jesus, alright.  Whether the name Jesus causes you to think of a babe in a manger or a Savior hanging on a cross...it's one and the same. 

Jesus.  Who knows all and is all to all.

In each of these situations, there was a period of silence.  God did not tell the mom He was going to provide chapstick.  God did not tell the friends why that date was the right one.  God did not tell the parents of the little girl that the gift they were holding on to for her would be her number one wish.  And God did not tell any of the people involved in the story of the little boy much of anything.  He just silently guided.

In a devotion preceding a rehearsal some days ago, this idea of silence was talked about.  Specifically the 400 years of silence between the Old and New Testaments.  How hard was that for those people?  The people that had been hearing from the prophets about the coming Messiah, only to have nothing for their ears to feast upon for 400 years.  And to think that I get in a tizzy about just a day or week or month in which God has said nothing more than "you're on the right path...keep it up."  No visible signs and wonders.  Yet, just like the mom and the friends and the little girl and the little boy, there is purpose behind the silence.  It is freeing God up to do something bigger and better.  To turn His attention toward other elements of the plot.  Making sure that none of the players know exactly what is going on until it is the perfect time.  To know too soon would take away some of His glory.  To know too late, well, that's just not how God operates.  That kind of silence is not a punishment.  And it may or may not be a test.  I think that it is  an indicator that God trusts the ones living in that silence.  Knowing that silence is not too much for them to handle.  Knowing that those ones will make the most of the silence.  Knowing that the end result, in which silence is required, will be more grand and glorious than we could ever fathom.

Bottom line: it's just better to let God do it His way.  His timing.  His balance of silence/signs & wonders.

I know of this struggle. 

I know of this silence. 

And I know of His faithfulness.

P.S.  It's always worth it.

P.P.S.  I also know of the reality that I will need this reminder just as much as the next guy on yet to be determined days in my future...so to those of you reading this that have the knack for calling me out when I need it, continue to do so.  I'm OK with it.

Already?

A friend mentioned to me the other day that they missed my blog...my response was a mutter-ish one about how I guess I hadn't written for awhile.  And something else, but I'll keep that comment to myself. 

But now I'm all kinds of messed up, because it's already December 8th.  I was going to write the somewhat expected "my how times flies...it's already December" post a week ago, but now it would have to be the "my how time flies...it's already a week into December" post, and I just don't know about that.

Instead, I will throw a random smattering of thoughts/updates together that pretty much confirm to you all that I temporarily lose it every once in awhile, especially when I realize it's already nearing the end of the year.

For starters, I am soooo looking forward to my 3rd and 4th graders school Christmas program tonight.  I can't believe it's already time to find all those red and green accessories in order to make sure they look Christmasy, yet still meet their approval in not making it look too Christmasy.  I simply cannot wait until they're teenagers.  Please note the sarcasm.  Seriously though, I am very proud of the 2 of my kids that will be a part of a fantastical show tonight.  And I'm still feeling pretty blessed that this public school system incorporates songs like "Breath of Heaven" into their repertoire...

Speaking of which, I know people have differing opinions on the matter, but I love the Christmas tree that fills up the main intersection downtown.  It makes me smile.  And, no, I do not mind the "no left turn" policy while it is up, because I just think it's awesome.  The official lighting of the tree was earlier this week, complete with hot chocolate, cookies, music (always love hearing my daughter's group sing...which they did that night...which is why I started this paragraph with "speaking of which") and an accidental giving-in to my son when he asked for a ride on my shoulders.  I swear the kid is a monkey.  Before I could even say a word about, his bum found a place to perch upon my shoulders and it was just easier to carry him to the van that way.  Luckily, he has zero meat on his frame or I would've really been hurting the next morning.  All in all, it was worth it.  When I tucked him in he looked at me and said "I love you, Mom.  You're the best ever.  Thanks for letting me ride on your shoulders.  Can we do that again tomorrow?"  He's so precious...

A slightly different "already" came in the form of both of my grandparents coming home from the hospital.  It's been a week that has gone from report to report of my grandpa's mild stroke and pneumonia to my grandma's ER visit (to a different hospital of course) to both of them returning back home.  I adore my grandparents, and it's dawning on me that they won't be around forever.  That thought is brutal to say the least and it caused all kinds of emotions to surface, some having to do with them, some having to do with me, some even having to do with how my situation has changed over the past year.  And I'm telling you, I'm not necessarily proud of all the various emotions I allowed to creep into my brain...BUT, I'm also glad that I was able to update my awesome prayer warriors that they were "already" home and that I've been able to process and file away my own stuff I was dealing with.  God even paved the way for me to even go up and spend some time with them a few days ago...forcing them to let me put up their Christmas tree and decor.  It was a day of blessing, for sure.  And I'm glad I'll be able to spend some more time with them in a matter of 10 days or so.

Dad continues to recover from his knee replacement surgery.  His journey has been full of "already"s.  Already off pain meds...already up and about...already making the trek to see his grand kids perform tonight.  I'm truly grateful for the way God has been a part of his healing and my mom's amazing care taking. 

I'm already rambling, so I better close up shop.  But before I do, I just want to say that I'm already finding so much joy in this month of December.  It's in the little things, the big things...predictable places and unpredictable.  I'm astonished at how God is already filling and warming my soul up in a way that far surpasses what even homemade soup can do to a girl.  It would be weird to say that I'm surprised, because nothing really surprises me anymore.  But for some reason, this joy and peace that exists, though sometimes I let it get buried under all the yuck, well, it still gives me that "aha" feeling. 

Holidays can be tough.  No question there.  And I'm guessing that many of you would agree with that statement.  Yet I am reminded that God can and does go out of His way to remind us that we are precious in His sight, regardless of what month it is.  I hope that you are able to recognize those reminders, whether you're the one that needs them or the one He has called to give them.  Because there's no such thing as "enough already" with God.  He takes delight in lavishing us with His unending love. I'm pretty sure that's what this Christmas thing is all about.  And no matter how often I find myself exclaiming "already?" in regards to this season, I am ready.

Bring. It. On.

The Black Bundle that is Worry

A woman had a dream...in her dream, she was walking along a highway with a large crowd of people, all of whom seemed very tired and burdened.  The people were all carrying little black bundles, and she noticed that more bundles were being dropped along the way by numerous repulsive-looking creatures that seemed quite demonic in nature.  As the bundles were dropped, the people stooped down to pick them up and carry them.  Like everyone else in her dream, she also carried her needless load, being weighted down with the devil's bundles.  After a while, she looked up and saw a Man whose face was loving and bright as He moved through the crowd, comforting the people.  Finally He came to her, and she realized it was her Savior.  She looked at Him, telling Him how tired she was, and He smiled sadly and said, "My dear child, these bundles you carry are not from me, and you have no need of them.  They are the devil's burdens, and they are wearing out your life.  You need to drop them and simply refuse to touch them with even one of your fingers.  Then you will find your path easy, and you will feel as if "I carried you on eagles' wings" (Exodus 19:4).  The Savior touched her hand, and peace and joy quickly filled her soul...  Taken from Streams in the Desert

I wouldn't consider myself a worrier, necessarily.  I mean, most of the time I am able to recognize the burden bundles that litter my path and simply disregard them.  Most of the time.  But I'm not content with most of the time.  I want to grow in the consistency of my faith.  And just when I think I'm getting closer, I discover that the jaw clenching of worry surfaces and those little black bundles are perched upon my shoulders.  I need reminders like the one above.  Visual images.  Timely challenges to just let it go already.

For me, there is a reason that Matthew 6:34 says "So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries"  (click hear to read the verse in context).  I tend not to worry about today.  Today seems more manageable.  More tangible.  More "here."  Tomorrow is where I have issues.  I worry about making ends meet.  I worry about the brakes on my van.  I worry about my hospitalized Grandpa and his health and the what ifs.  I worry about my kids spiritual and social and academic lives.  I worry about my future in general.  My kids' future.  I worry about my parents.  My family.  I worry about knowing what's next and where it will be and how I will know.  It's all tomorrow stuff.  Which is not even here yet.  So why do I weigh myself down so?  It's silly.  I even worry about worrying sometimes...after all, isn't there is a responsibility to lend an ear to those blaring worries and figure out an action plan, etc., etc., etc.  Isn't there?  Sure.  Maybe.  But maybe not.  Maybe that's just an excuse to worry.

Sometimes my worry is birthed out of pride.  The pride that I can handle things on my own.  That I'm smart enough, strong enough and spiritual enough.  And we all know where pride leads...nowhere.  And fast.

Sometimes my worry is birthed out of forgetfulness.  You'd think after the oodles of stories in scripture, books and magazines...in my life and yours...you'd think that I would remember God is faithful.  If I can trust Him with my yesterday and with my today, I'm pretty sure He can handle my tomorrow and next month and next year.  Yet I forget that simple fact at times.

Sometimes my worry is birthed out of other things that seems to dispute the feeling that I'm not really a worrier by nature.  No, I'm not one that regularly imagines issues that don't exist and then let them control my day.  But as I dutifully digested the above story this morning, I realized that I needed the reminder.  Desperately.  For last night was a night of worry.  Perhaps even some issue imagining.  Boy was it ever.  Understandable?  Absolutely.  Did it solve anything?  Not a chance.

God will take care of my budget, my van, my grandpa, my family, my kids, my future and even the imaginary scenarios.  He will.  It's a fact because He says it is.  But since He knows how thick my skull can be and how guarded my heart is, He very graciously provides a very impressive resume for my perusal as I wrestle with this whole worry thing. 

He doesn't have to do that, you know.  The resume providing.  His word should be enough.  But He does it anyway.  Because He understands.  He understands our limited vision.  He understands how hard it is to let go.  And yes, He understands the pressure that December can create with rising heating costs, Christmas, end of year budgets, tired vehicles, tired kids, tired mamas...and all those cold weather issues that creep up.  It is not coincidental that He made sure we actually had a date on our calendars to help us with that whole Philippians 4:6 thing...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

I wonder if that's why Thanksgiving is at the end of November?  So we don't have any excuses.  Thank first.  Ask second.  That's the order He assures us will work.  And it does.  Go figure.

I've used countless forms of imagery to assist me in laying my burdens down, in ridding my life of worry.  I've read the verses and listened to the songs.  It's still gut-wrenchingly difficult.  It's still discouraging when I have a night of worry even when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has it under control.  It's still a bummer when I wake up in the morning and realize that I focused more on the future unknowns than the current blessings. 

Thankfully, God is patient and kind.  He still offers irrefutable evidence of His faithfulness.  Small gestures.  Proof that He cares about everything on my mind and then some.  He gives me countless reasons to rejoice in His faithfulness.

I don't know where you're at today.  I don't know how the realization that it's already December 1st makes you feel.  I do  know where I'm at today...and that's a better place than I was last night.  Because today, yet again, I am choosing to attempt to drop that ugly ole burden down and just rest in knowing that I'm taken care of.  Choosing to attempt is not guaranteed success.  I am human, after all.  But it's a start, and a continuation and sometimes it's the ending, too.  The ending of all this worry garbage...one black bundle at a time.

I know that many of you have lots going on.  Lots of things in your life that are difficult to not worry about.  I know this because you've told me.  And because, like me, you're human.  So let's get rid of the black bundle that is worry.  Deliberately and specifically.  Let's learn to live freely and lightly. 

And let's do it together. 

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.  Matthew 11:28-30, The Message