Christmas: Towards or Away?

It went in one ear and out the other.  I knew the statement was true.  I knew I needed to hear it.  I knew it would continue to bounce around in my brain.  But at the time, I was so emotionally and physically depleted that I simply could not grasp those words the way I needed to.  In fact, the more I think about it, I'm pretty sure that maybe I didn't actually believe them at the time.

"God has equipped you, because you are here."

It had been a rough night.  A long one.  And when it seemed to be over, it was punctuated not with an exclamation point of excitement.  Not a comma of calm.  Not even the ever so popular "dot dot dot" indicating a sense of wonder about what was going to happen next.  It was punctuated by a question mark.  And me, curled up in as close to fetal position as I could get.  Crying like it was my job.

"But Becky, God has equipped you, because you are here."

I often forget that my son has been diagnosed with a mood disorder.  Seems weird, but he has made such positive strides over the past year and a half, that I honestly forget sometimes.  And there were some other things behind his struggles besides the mood disorder.  Sure, I could dismantle the situation and spell out all the contributing factors, but there's really no need.  Bottom line: God has changed some of those factors...and a miracle has taken a very obvious place in the forefront of it all.  My son is doing well.  Mostly.  But we do have nights from time to time that cause me to remember the meltdowns that used to be every night.  And it's brutal.  Add in the other "life" stuff that is typical for all mommies, the dynamic of being a single mommy and a few things unique to yours truly and I was pretty much done.

"God has equipped you."

Mary was an ordinary lady.  Just minding her own business when God flipped her entire reality upside-down and then some.  A baby.  Conceived miraculously.  Unmarried.  "And, oh yeah, remember that Messiah I've been promising you?  Um, about that..."  I admire Mary.  I respect her.  I am inspired by her.  But I know she was all human.  So I know she struggled.  The feelings of inadequacy.  Physical exhaustion.  Emotional depletion.  Ignoring rumors.  Having to choose between believing the unnatural truths or settling into the more natural doubts...between walking towards Him or away from Him.

Fear.  Unknowns.  Overwhelming circumstances.  A lot of pressure to do the "right" thing from all sides.  Walking towards God, knowing the work He had done in her, yet aware that many did not understand.  And though I can't recall any scripture verses that would back me up in this, I have a hunch those feelings didn't magically disappear when the wise men showed up with some gifts for her Child.  And I also have a hunch that the human voice of reason inspired by the ultimate Voice of Truth spoke into her world just as it has mine.

"God has equipped you, because you are here."

It's calming.  To know that the mere fact you find yourself where you are is the overwhelming proof that you are equipped to handle it.  Not on your own strength or with your own resources or because of your own abilities.  No.  He puts you where you are knowing that you must  rely on Him to equip you.  That's how He works.  No matter what we give Him to work with, He can cause it to morph into something that honors Him and puts us where we need to be. 

(Just in case you're thinking what I'm thinking...I realize that our sinful choices as well as others' choices can certainly throw a wrench into His works.  They can put us in places where He never really wanted us to be, well over our heads.  But when we live a life that is surrendered to Him, no matter what the past looks like and no matter what other peoples' choices look like, He will equip us to move forward with blessing and the confidence that He is in control.)

I've heard people say that the phrase "God never gives you more than you can handle" isn't actually true.  That God does give us more than we can handle...if we try to handle it on our own.  Rather, He gives us what we can handle as long as we are plugged into His source of power.  However you choose to look at it...God hasn't left you stranded.

You may have to ride on a donkey to get from point A to point B.  You may not be welcomed in a setting any more glorious than a barn.  People may misunderstand.  And you may find yourself competing with me for the job opening of "crying like a baby...and a ticked off baby, at that."  But God will give you a Joseph to make the journey with you...or many of them.  God will send shepherds to reassure you that God's voice is active, accurate and confirmed.  God will send you gifts, using some of the most unlikely people to deliver them.  But most importantly, God Himself is right next to you.  Watching you.  Helping you.  Offering a never ending supply of peace, provision, direction and hope.

But you must choose Him.

I must choose Him. 

We MUST choose Him.

I must choose to believe that He has equipped me to survive and thrive exactly where He has led me to settle.  Doing exactly what He has instructed me to do.  As the song that the Bethel College choir sang many times in my days there and in days since says..."He never failed me yet."  Even though I have failed Him plenty, His record is impeccable.

I'm not Mary.  I'm Becky.  Our circumstances are drastically different.  Our journeys unique.  And I would never claim to be as strong or beautiful or spirit-filled as she was.  Also, in case you weren't aware, she was chosen to give birth to the Messiah and I was not.  But our status of human being is the same.  As is our Lord.  So I can look at her journey and her challenges and know that it's not a stretch to realize just how much assurance her story can give me on a personal level.

In between all the family time and special programs and excitement and "stuff" that accompanies this season, I've been reminded of God's presence.  Of His faithfulness.  Promises.  Healing and hope.  That I am where I am.  As are you.  Honestly, those reminders can be difficult.  Sometimes they are birthed out of hurt.  Loneliness.  Questions.  Fear.  Or even meltdowns.  But in my mind, the ends really do justify the means.  What I have learned and experienced are worth it all. 

He will equip each of us to handle wherever that place may be.  As long as that place involves Him holding the prominent place in our hearts and minds, He is free to work for our best and provide exactly what we need for each step of the way.  He will give those people, confirmations and gifts...at the perfect time and in the perfect way. 

We can walk away from Christmas 2011 with so much more than credit card bills, expanded waistlines and a few extra gray hairs.  And we can also walk away with more than hearts filled by those we love, memories made with those we cherish, joy from watching children on Christmas morning and carols sung...whether around the piano, in our churches or on someone's front porch.  We can walk away with poignant and life changing reminders of who God is.  Who He REALLY is.  What He gives.  What He desires.  Hopefully, it won't be in the walking away that we realize all of this in a new and fresh way.  Hopefully, it will be in the walking towards Christmas that we bask in the fullness of these things. 

It's possible that I would have been walking away from Christmas with these thoughts rather than towards if my son hadn't had his meltdown the other night.  Or it's possible that God would have implemented a different type of reminder.  I don't know.  What I do know is that He is who He is.  I am where I am.  And I'm going to continue to walk towards Him...towards an intentional December 25th...towards His plans for me.  It's just better that way.

Luke 1:26-33 (MSG)

In the sixth month of Elizabeth's pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to the Galilean village of Nazareth to a virgin engaged to be married to a man descended from David. His name was Joseph, and the virgin's name, Mary. Upon entering, Gabriel greeted her:

Good morning!
You're beautiful with God's beauty,
Beautiful inside and out!
God be with you.

 She was thoroughly shaken, wondering what was behind a greeting like that. But the angel assured her, "Mary, you have nothing to fear. God has a surprise for you: You will become pregnant and give birth to a son and call his name Jesus.

He will be great,
be called 'Son of the Highest.'
The Lord God will give him
the throne of his father David;
He will rule Jacob's house forever—
no end, ever, to his kingdom."