Don't worry...I've cried all 27 times that I've watched this.
I cry because I get it. Because I've been there. We all have, haven't we? If we're honest, the answer is yes. We deny Christ daily with our actions. Attitudes. Words.
Some of us find ourselves in a place where the spotlight is or has literally illuminated our denials of Christ. Some of us find ourselves in a place where it just feels as though that is the case even though nobody really knows all our garbage. But He still knows.
Peter totally screwed up. He turned His back on the Lord. Literally. Repeatedly. And it broke Him. Peter wept. Bitterly. Definition of rock bottom right there, folks.
And then Jesus said his name. "Tell the disciples and Peter..." Could just as well have been "tell the disciples and Becky..." or "tell the disciples and insert your name here."
God responds to brokenness. He is close to the brokenhearted...whether you're broken because you've realized how you have denied Christ through your own choices, broken because of the choices others have made or a combination of the two.
God responds to brokenness with a healing touch that far surpasses human understanding. Sometimes that healing requires discipline first. Sometimes it requires time and energy to literally put yourself in a place where you are able to heal. Sometimes it involves a complete redefinition of who you are, who Jesus is and what your future looks like. But it always involves Jesus saying our name.
For me personally, the aftermath of my most recent brokenness has involved all of those things. My brokenness was in part because of the choices I made and in part because of the choices other people made that were completely out of my control. I had to deal with my own garbage, take the time and exert the energy to heal and redefine somethings in my life. It took a good dozen people...my "team" to help me walk through this over the past year. A team of amazing and spirit-led people. Some of these folks were no-brainers...family members, best friends, pastors of both my past and present. Some of them were individuals I never in a million years would have imagined becoming so close to. We literally laugh at the fact that God placed us in each others lives the way He has. It's hysterical! God has used these people as Jesus with skin on, His helpers...to convict me, support me, provide for me, encourage me, pray for me, teach me and hold me accountable in every area of my life.
I'm thankful for this team of people that have filled the role of the angel...delivering the message to tell "the disciples and Becky" that He is alive. That everything is OK. That He has never stopped saying my name.
I'm thankful that God has given me opportunity to declare my love for Him.
And I'm thankful for His command to "feed His sheep." For His restoration. The very same invitation that Jesus extended to Peter to continue to serve Him, he extends to us.
It starts with brokenness. It's filled with grace. It ends with restoration.
As I sat in church this past Sunday, watching this video and soaking in all the other elements of the service, I started thinking about the events over a year ago that led me to write this post called I Saw Him. Amongst others, I wrote these words that day:
I saw Him in the eyes and arms of a church who gathered around a broken individual...offering forgiveness, acceptance, love, support and encouragement. A church that has been given a chance to be Jesus, and started that process in someone's life in a very real and touching way.
I've seen Jesus many times between that day and this. I've heard Him say my name just as many times. Sunday was just more of the same. Same room, same Jesus, some of the same people...but a new part of the journey. It started with brokenness, has been filled with heaping amounts of grace, mercy & love and ends with restoration...or perhaps it simply begins again. Yes, that's more like it.
As I was dialoguing last week with one of my pastor-team members from another church, anticipating the significance of the coming Sunday, he said this:
I was driving home from Bethel yesterday, and some voice on the radio said, “No matter what you’ve done or what has been done to you, YOUR FUTURE IS SPOTLESS!” For me, it was the voice of Christ.
For me, it's the voice of Christ, too. The same voice that says my name. The voice that reassures, comforts and encourages. The voice that lovingly confronts me with all the stuff that is hindering me from knowing Him better. The voice that promises hope and future and promise. The voice that demands the waves to be still, commands satan to step aside and promises to defend, protect and use little ole me.
My future is unwritten in my eyes. Uncertain for sure. And sometimes it's a challenge to refute the fear that goes along with that. But when Jesus looks at it, it is spotless. Sins are forgotten. Hurt is healing. It's a clean slate for Him to do whatever He wants. He knows exactly what is around the corner...always has...and He is molding me and shaping me to be an exact fit for the future He wants for me. He has not once walked away from me.
If I would have ignored His voice...if I would have assumed that my past is something that disqualifies me from having my name spoken by the Creator of the Universe...if I would have refused to declare the holiness and saving power of His own name...if I would have swept my new and messy reality under the rug in hopes that nobody would notice...things would be much different. While there have certainly been moments that I've been tempted to just give up, I simply was never able to get past the fact that Jesus said my name. Reassuring me that things were going to be OK, asking me if I loved Him and telling me to feed His sheep.
Once you've heard it, once you've embraced it, once you've received the amazing grace that God offers each and every one of us...you don't soon forget it. Nothing is too big, bad, ugly, confusing, painful, out of control, messy or course-altering for Him to redeem. Nothing.
If nothing else, my prayer for this next part of my journey is that others will hear Him say their name. That He will use my story in a way that makes His voice a little more audible for those around me. That this renewed passion I have for people to experience true freedom in His grace will encourage just one. That I will continue to have ears tuned in to His voice...His grace...His call.
He said my name. And He's saying yours, too. Are you listening for it?
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