Among other revelations, it's been a year and a half of recognizing that giving thanks is not just a nice thing to do or a way to gain perspective. I've discovered it's actually a weapon. One that can be used to combat complacency, selfishness, self-reliance, a critical spirit, materialism, pride...and the list goes on. Many people do a "thanks" series this time of year using their websites, blogs, sermons, Facebook posts. I like that. It's a good thing. And I'm thinking I just may join the ranks of giving thanks by telling you all a few chapters out of my life-story that God has been writing in recent months...
There was a point late last summer where I literally didn't know how on earth I was going to feed my kiddos. Single mommyhood began, my employment ended and I won't even begin to go into all the other reality shifts that I was facing all at once. Looking back, it is a true miracle that I didn't completely fizzle out. No exaggeration. Those were some dark, dark days. Praise God for His sustaining power, strength and blessings. I had hit rock bottom, but on the flip side, I was starting a whole new way of living: by faith. Yes, I had always had faith that God would provide, but as an adult, I never really NEEDED Him to literally provide the food on my table and the strength to simply make it through the day. Well, that level of need changed pretty quickly, and we all buckled up for what we thought would be a bumpy ride...the driving-on-dirt-roads-in-Michigan-in-a-vehicle-with-no-suspension" type...turns out it's been more of a most-amazing-roller-coaster-EVER type. That just shows you how good God is.
So, things changed and continued to change. And we started praying. It was the kind of desperate "You better answer, God...or else" kind of prayer. The "or else" wasn't a threat. It was a reality. There were no other options. God needed to provide physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It was all Him. He was the only thing, the only person that could rescue us.
And then the eggs entered the scene. It may not seem like much, but to me, it was the first time I realized that God truly could and would provide the most basic of needs for the kids and I. Food. Which contributed to the realization that He would also provide the other basic needs we had: stability, support, companionship, trust-worthy people, hope, help, healing...the list goes on.
Here's how it went down: We went to church one Sunday morning. By the time we got there my energy was already depleted. I walked around like a zombie, pretending I was the same ole Beck...knowing that it was pretty likely that nobody believed me, since most everyone knew the surface level at least of what was going on in my life. I tried to appear calm...but my guts were tied in quadruple knots and I just wanted to collapse and cry, begging for help, admitting how terrified I was of my future and how alone I felt. I knew the church was where we all needed to be, I had been on staff there for crying out loud, but I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of effort it took for me to get us there. I got the kids where they needed to be, sat in the same section up front that the "old Becky" always sat in, muscled my way through the service trying to not use an entire box of tissues and then as quickly as possible went to re-claim my children and get the heck out of there. But I was stopped in the foyer.
I was told that there were some farm fresh eggs in the refrigerator that we were welcome to take. As many as we could eat. And there would be more there the following Sunday. And the Sunday after that. And the one after that. Now, there's nothing extremely emotional about eggs, right? But I cried. And I cried hard, of course, not until I had my head buried in the industrial size refrigerator lest anyone see me. In the grand scheme of all I was going through, I suppose it's not a big stretch to believe that free eggs would make me cry. But, well, I guess I'll leave it at that. I tried to sneak out of the church as incognito as possible...my pride not wanting anyone to see that I was "reduced" to taking free eggs, let alone crying about them (yes, I do realize that pride does us no favors...). As soon as I safely closed the door to the minivan holding my four precious children who were inquiring about lunch, I lost it. Wait, that sounded wrong...I didn't lose my lunch. I lost my composure. In other words, I bawled like a baby.
ish items became a lifeline between God and us. We prayed for food. He gave it to us. This ongoing dialogue between us and God continued. Knowing what I know now, I realize those eggs were just the very beginning of God revealing His faithfulness, lavish provision, compassion and desire to love on His children in a new and deep and ever so relevant way. If I had been too proud to accept them, or admit that I needed them, or minimize their significance, well, I hate to think of how different things would be for us now.
I have a list several pages long in my journal of all the ways God has cared for us specifically over the past year and a half. That list contains some things of all shapes and sizes, for which I'm very grateful, and over the next few days I'll be sharing some of those with you. But the one that stands out to me the most? You guessed it.
Eggs.
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| Sorry...I don't know about you, but I need a little comic relief right about now. I'm way over my daily tear allowance. :) |
God knew just how far to stretch me to increase my faith. In this particular part of my journey, He had to stretch me to the point of not knowing where I would get food to feed my kids. He let me get to that point, because He knew I had some things I needed to learn there. Since then, He has blessed me in ways unspeakable with income opportunities and amazing sources of provision, often through surprising and even anonymous gifts (and if you happen to be one of those that has blessed us in this way...here's a virtual squeezy hug for you, as my daughter would put it). No, I'm not in the same place I was when the eggs appeared, and for that I am grateful. I'm not going to get all super-spiritual-ninja on you and try to appear holier than I am...I like stability and predictability. And food. So, no, I don't wish for the return of those days. Yet I still desperately need God to make everything work. And He always does just that. My days are full of awesome reminders of His faithfulness despite the stretching. Reminders that I still need. Reminders that I will try my best to always welcome. There are things we go without, sometimes willingly and sometimes out of necessity...but we're just fine with that. Actually, we're more than fine. We're better because of it. God provides for every need that comes our way and has taught us an awful lot about the difference between what we think we need and what we really need. He's also shown us the power of prayer, the importance of generosity, what sacrificial giving looks like, how to take our what we have and use it to bless others and the fact that God delights in giving us gifts, too...the "above and beyond." For my kids to be able to grasp these concepts at this age is awesome. Oh, who am I kidding? For me to be able to grasp these concepts is just as awesome, if not more so.
I'm thankful for those eggs. I'm thankful for the people that gave them to us. They were the start of something that I had no idea was going to continue way past the season of Eggs for Lunch Sundays.. They were a catalyst for spiritual growth for all 5 of us that ate those eggs. They were an opportunity to make positive memories out of challenges, to build stronger bonds with each other, to learn lesson upon lesson upon lesson.
And I'm not at all stretching it to say that those eggs were nothing less than God saying: "I love you, Beck. You, too, Ash and Hudson and Cam and Brooky. We're going to make it...together."
The eggs may not be in my refrigerator anymore. But they played a very critical part in my story.
And for that I am truly grateful.
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