As a mother, it's a word that holds one of the top slots on the the wish list of what I want the most for my children.
Safety from harm and hurts of all varieties. Physical. Mental. Emotional. Spiritual.
There are things I can do to help create safe environments for them. Whether it's avoiding harm altogether or cleaning up the aftermath. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's hard. It involves relying on the wisdom from my Creator that no amount of parenting classes or counseling sessions or 'how to" books will ever come close to. Yet there are times that even on my closest-to-perfect days in this highly esteemed role of being a mommy that I simply cannot make any promises.
And I hate it.
Load ME up with as much hurt and harm and unsafe-ishness as you want. Harm me. Hurt me. Do whatever you want to me. I'll deal. But don't you dare mess with my children.
Please, God, don't let anyone mess with my children.
Of all the things that I've had to work through given my desire to keep everything neat and tidy and controlled, this is the hardest. I don't think anyone would fault me for that. But I have moments where the fears that satan tries to infuse into my very soul are not manageable for me. Fears about completely random and irrational things. Fears about things that are a little (or a lot) more understandable and rational.
It's one thing for me to trust God with my own safety. To know that He will guard me. Protect me. Cradle me. Give me the grace and strength I need to weather any storm. But these little lives which have been entrusted to me...well, that's a whole other level of trust to walk through.
And I don't always do it as gracefully as I would like. Sometimes I cry a little too much, or try to take too much into my own hands. Sometimes I let my imagination get the best of me and start planning more "escape routes" than anyone should ever have scribbled into their already cluttered mind.
Help me, Lord. I don't know how to do this.
If you're looking for answers, you will not find them here. Not from me. Because today, perhaps like some of you on other days, I am scared. I'm full of the kind of fear that is not of the Lord. The kind that well thought out plans will not erase. The kind that makes me crave for a reality that is different than the one I find myself in.
Yes, God has walked through every iota of the wilderness with me. And thankfully He has surrounded me with people and promises and a brain with enough sense to help me to escape a 40 year sentence in that wilderness.
Yes, He has protected me from much, always faithful to give me what I need to survive the things that He, for whatever reason, has determined I could actually handle along the way. Sometimes I don't agree with Him on that one...but He is in charge. I am not.
Yes, I have learned, witnessed and praised Him for His faithfulness through all of it. And I have very good reason to believe that He is preparing to reveal another phase of this journey that just may shake things up a bit...in a "God is good" kind of a way.
And yes, of course, I do realize that the One that has been faithful to me in walking through my own junk is the same One that will continue to do that in my life and in my kids lives.
But it is still hard. Right?
It is still enough to drive me to my knees and plead for God to sweep me up and cuddle me tight.
It is still enough to bring me to that place of knowing that no matter how much I think I can handle or control or predict, that I am nothing without Him.
It is still enough to make me realize that as much as I hate seeing my kids hurt, God hates it more. And He is just and fair and right. And He has their back just as much as He has mine.
But they're just kids, God. They can't handle this. It's too much.
And yet I have to know that if He filters and dilutes what touches me, He will do the same for them.
The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm. The disciples were amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked. “Even the winds and waves obey him!”
I don't enjoy the feeling of knowing I'm no better than the disciples who went out on the boat with Jesus. Knowing that I should probably be a little embarrassed by the fact that I'm yelling at the Creator, questioning the outcome of the storm...fearing for all of our lives. Knowing that I totally miss it sometimes. But also knowing that His response to me is as sure as sure can get.
God is not only safe, God is safety.
He does not promise safety from all the yuck.
He DOES offer us safety from death. The kind of death that wants to eat away at our souls while we're on this earth and the kind of death that could overtake us eternally.
The irony is that it is only the death of ourselves...the death of our own ideas and plans...that in fact gives us life.
A life in which fears will certainly come, but they do not have to consume.
So I guess that the true safety is not contingent on what fears surface, but rather what fears are redeemed and turned into a testimony of God's faithfulness.
It's still hard. I still struggle. And honestly, I don't even feel completely safe in being this transparent about the whole thing. I have no idea whose eyes are reading these words that I type. But it is what is, yes? And I know that God can use all things. Even my thoughts...good, bad, ugly or fear-consumed.
I won't ever apologize for wanting to protect my kids from harmful actions, thoughts, words or intents. And I don't know if I'll ever feel badly about giving a limited amount of attention to those things in my own life, either.
Letting fear consume me? Well, that's different.
Lord, forgive me.
I'll keep working on it...
3 comments:
I read your blog entry while I was on a trip out to Arizona. I wrote this response on a flight from Dayton to Dallas/Ft. Worth...
Hi Becky. I've been stalking your blog. At the airport today, I noticed you posted again.
Safety - safe. It is an interesting topic. I grew up in an environment that was safe and overprotected. I grew up with little adventure and litte chance for harm. Much of my environment was constructed out of fear of loss, fear of man, fear of other's thoughts. Looking back it was not healthy for me and I have had to (and continue to) unlearn things from that childhood.
I'd like to propose to you, Becky that hurt, pain, wounding, storms are healthy. I'm hard-pressed to find Biblical examples in which these negatives did not produce a more healthy person, a more Godly character, a more gracious temperment. Now there is the process that we have to go through, the process of addressing the pain, the woundedness. If the enemy is a part of the wounding, he needs to be addressed as well.
Healing! Healing! Binding up the broken-hearted. That's God's business. Pain and woundedness is a part of life, real life. If we do not give our children the opportunity for pain/harm, then we cannot walk them through the path of healing and health.
I see more and more kids in our culture and in our local churches who are very protected and shielded. IMO, we are doing them an injustice. We are not allowing them to experience the 'hard knocks' of life. We are raising up emotional and spiritual wimps, children with no courage and strength.
I was involved in a Facebook thread the other day where a woman who is concerned for her son who is getting picked on at school. Many posted with their recommendations and suggestions. Some suggested that the mom should confront the teacher and/or parents, others suggested that after all reasonable avenues have been made and the picking continues, that the picked-on child should haul off and punch the bully. The empowering of the father to the child in this situation is so very important and healthy, not so that the child can feel it is OK to fight at a whim, but that the father empowers the child to fight when appropriate, standing by the child through the consequences and avoiding the crippling thoughts of hopelessness and despair - courage, health! Health for future conflicts!
In the thread above, one individual mentioned that they were glad that they kept (or are keeping) their kids from this type of conflict and out of this type of environment.
I could not stand it and I had to say something. I went on about how our kids have had conflict with teachers, students and friends and that it was healthy for them to go through this. We as parents are guidling them, their thinking and their emotions during this time. Their friendships are deeper, their problem solving skills improve, their ability to work with different personalities is growing and their ability to endure and process conflict has come a long way. They are stronger, they are able to stand up for injustice, they are not crushed when they experience injustice and the stand up for the kid getting picked on.
In a safe environment the fruit I just menioned is slow growing and, at times, impossible to grow.
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I like how your 'mama bear' comes out when you talking about harm coming to your children. I love when my wife's 'mama bear' comes out. It does not come out often, but when there is abuse or an injustice to my children by another in which my child has no way of standing up to it. There is security in this. However, there is also times when my wife's 'mama bird' comes out and pushed the kids out of the nest, forcing them to fly or endure the hard bounce at the bottom. Both are healthy, loving and necessary.
"Please, God, don't let anyone mess with my children. It is still enough to make me realize that as much as I hate seeing my kids hurt, God hates it more."
I urge you, Becky, to realize that when someone messes with your children, the mess is sometimes from our ever-loving Papa. At times, it is His firm hand guiding, changing and causing health and encouraging God-dependency. The same Papa who offers his lap of comfort, is the same Papa that offers the and rod of correction (followed by His chest of healing).
That's all I wrote on the flight. Perhaps it gives you something to chew on.
All the best,
Shawn
Shawn...good thoughts. And you are so right. I firmly believe that satan can do nothing to us without God allowing it. That means that much of the "junk" we go through are for our best interest, for our growth and to put God's faithfulness and holiness on display in powerful ways. I have seen this in my own life and I know it is true in my children's lives. I see it there. Is it easy? NO!!! But I trust my Lord to keep us safe as well as to take those unsafe moments, circumstances or realities and turn them into something that is of and from Him. I'm thankful for the way He has taken my own storms and has grown me in unfathomable ways. I'm thankful, too, for His grace in helping me to allow Him to do the same for my kiddos. We serve a great God!!
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