Well, it seems as though I'm back from my blogcation. (Ya know, I've always wanted to say that word. Now I have. OK, moving on...) Life's just been pretty full lately. And since I was once advised to resist feeling the pressure to blog every single day...and to not let it become just another thing on my To Do List, I haven't worried about it. Today, however, I think I may just have a few things I need to get off my chest. And a dear friend whom I would like to honor.
If you've read much about me, you know that I moved a lot growing up. Moving had its ups and downs. I made some great friends in a lot of different towns. But I also had to say goodbye to some great friends in those same towns. Tracy was one of them.
I moved to Yale, Michigan the summer before my sophomore year of high school. It was a tough move for me. I loved my school and church in Ohio that I had to say goodbye to, and had secretly hoped I would have been able to be there through graduation. We moved into town right before the #1 summer youth event - Youth Convention. So there I was. The new girl. The youth pastors daughter. Going to a youth convention with a bunch of strangers. Competing in the talent contest (which I went on to win...not the best move for making friends with the other musicians). Rooming with a girl I had never met. Just feeling awkward. And then I met Tracy.
The first thing I noticed about Tracy was her laugh. She was the type that wore her emotions on her sleeve. She was who she was and made no apologies. She felt things deeply. When she was bummed, she was really bummed. If you made her mad, she would tell you all about it. But when she laughed, she really laughed. I mean REALLY laugh. It was contagious. Her smile was the same way. Tracy was beautiful...but she acted as if she had no idea that she was. Her curly brown hair always looked fantastic, will little to no effort. Her skin was flawless. She was petite and always dressed comfortably. If she did take the time to get really dressed up, she was stunning, but didn't change anything about the way she acted.
Tracy and I hit it off, along with a few other of our close friends. I lived in Yale for just 2 years, but during those 2 years we all walked through a lot of stuff together. We had class together. Drivers Ed. Boyfriend problems. Volleyball. More youth events than I could count. We had a lot of fun. Tracy was pursuing cosmetology, and so whenever I needed a more formal look, she would graciously take the time to transform my long curly hair into a masterpiece. And then she'd throw some make-up on me while she was at it. I have very clear memories of standing in her bathroom with my head bent over while she tried to give me the tightest upside-down french braid known to mankind. Despite my protests, she wasn't about to let me walk out of her house with anything less than perfection. And despite my awareness that walking into that house would cause some pain on my part, I did it anyway. What high school girls will do to feel beautiful...
The summer before our senior year, I moved again. This time to Indiana. It was fitting that my last hoorah was another youth convention. In fact, my parents were actually moving into our new house while I was at youth convention. But they knew it was important to me and so they made it happen. I remember taking a lot of silly pictures that week...in an effort to have as many memories as possible to take along with me. And let me tell you, Tracy was always up for a good silly picture.
Tracy and I lost touch. Her journey involved a lot of heartache, more than I even realized. So when I learned yesterday that she had passed away unexpectedly, I was crushed. I immediately felt guilty. Wishing I had stayed in touch. Wishing I had been able to share some laughs with her...maybe even help her through some of the curve balls that had been thrown at her. And though the initial shock is starting to subside, I still wish that I could have heard her laugh one more time...even though it's been years since I've seen her.
So while I'm still hurting inside, and the tears have been flowing on and off since yesterday morning...what I really want to do is honor Tracy with this post. Tracy was a good friend. She sought me out when I was the new girl. She took the time to get to know me. She wasn't threatened by my gifts, and always supported me 100%. (She actually agreed to sing in an ensemble with me once, even though she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket if she tried. But she did it with a smile.) We studied together, played together, cried together and tackled silly dramas together. She loved big. And she will be missed.
Nothing takes God by surprise. He knew this was coming. And He knew how it would impact me. He knew exactly what types of emotions would surface after hearing the news, even though, quite frankly, I was a bit surprised by some of them. God has orchestrated my schedule in such a way to allow me to attend the funeral in Michigan tomorrow with my dad. My kids will be cared for. And I'll even be able to nap while we drive...bonus. :-) God also orchestrated to have specific people in my life, with specific insight and caring words that have made this whole thing much more do-able. I'm thankful for the way God prepared me, though I had no idea. And I choose to believe that God did the same for Tracy and her family...her children, husband, sisters and parents. I choose to believe that He prepared them and is sustaining and encouraging them. When I see them tomorrow, I hope I can be a part of that encouragement.
I missed Tracy when I moved away. And I still miss her today, though in a slightly different way. If I could, I would thank her for extending her friendship to me in the special way that only Tracy could. I'm thankful to have known her...french braid induced headaches and all.
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